Feeling Not So Fit Friday - A Check-In

Sorry I'm such a bad friend you guys...

Not going to lie, I'm doing a pretty suck job of keeping up with my goals that I was pushing for on Monday.  While I hit my 10k per day goals on Monday and Thursday, I didn't on Tuesday and Wednesday.  I can say it's because I forgot to charge my Fitbit, which I did, but in reality, I just had a rough couple of days.  And working out with the Moov?  Yeah, that hasn't been happening either.  I don't even want to talk about the whole Gutsy Girl Bible eating plan right now...  Let's just say I've been eating badly, feeling badly, and paying for it badly.

The simple fact is I'm not in my groove at all and I'm having a hard time finding my way back in.

A lot of it is that I started my Prednisone taper this week and that has been absolutely brutal beyond words.  It's messed with my motivation and my moods and now it's absolutely wrecking my body.  Everything is sore all the time, like somebody has been beating me with a bag sack of oranges.  On top of that, for the life of me, during the day I can't stay awake and at night I just can't get to sleep.  That leaves me feeling tired, frustrated, discouraged, and fully triggered for everything from binge eating to binge TV watching to binge doing nothing.  While watching most of Mad Men Season 7 in one sitting is an accomplishment, I'm not sure it's the accomplishment I was hoping for this week.  It was a very good season though...  I'm so hype for the second half. #OffTopic

Like I said, I feel trapped in my body and it really, really sucks.

Small changes make big impacts

The nice thing is, today is a new day and I recognize the multitude of mistakes in eating an entire bag of Smartfood Popcorn in one sitting and I'm ready to dust off and try again.  

Clearly, my new friend Prednisone is messing with my need for food pretty wildly.  My sugar craving is out-of-control and I'm wanting to eat absolutely everything that isn't nailed down.  I went through and swept out my kitchen of triggers and honestly, I plan on spending as little time as possible in there.  Did I mention I want to eat everything?  Literally, everything.  Since I can't be on Weight Watchers right now, I have no accountability in what I eat and that's not good.  Instead, I'm keeping a food log through Fitbit.  While I can't diet, I do need to track just how much I'm eating and how many calories I'm pouring into myself.  Spoiler alert...  It's a lot.

Next up, I clearly defined some times that I'm setting aside to exercise.  Nothing big, just little chunks every few hours.  I set my phone alarm and everything so the guilt factor in hitting the snooze should keep me from wanting to skip my activity for "just one more thing."  Moov, dang it, I'm going to use you I swear I am.  

I'm slowly realizing that coming back to a healthy lifestyle after a debilitating illness is something of a major process with a lot of physical and mental roadblocks.  In many ways it's more frustrating than being a beginner because instead of the victory that comes with saying "Woo-hoo! I hit (insert milestone here) for the first time and it's awesome!" you're hit with a seemingly endless series of frustrating revelations that things you could do before you can't do now.  You can't help but compare where you were at your best to where you are now at your worst and realizing how far back you've fallen.  It's very humbling to look through beginners exercise routines and running plans knowing that only a few months ago it would have been a cake walk and now it's a strenuous workout.  

Mmmm...  Cake walk...  I want cake so bad right now.  Somebody needs to make the Cake Walk 5k.  I'd PR that bad boy like you cannot even believe.

No more perfect tomorrows, focus on today!

My mind is still not at all wrapped around the fact that in December I was well into training for a half marathon in February, and doing a pretty kick-butt job, but now I can't even really go up the stairs without wanting to take a break because I'm so out-of-breath.  It really seems surreal.  Who would have thought my "hey, I'm not feeling so great" downward slide in January would end with me holding a shovel at the bottom of a pit by March? 

I think the thing I need to remind myself is that everything is temporary.  The bad stuff, the pain, the stupid medications, the cravings, and the feelings of not being where I want to be, it doesn't last.  But along with that, neither does the motivation.  It's all well and good to say I'm ready to battle back from Lyme Disease and the co-infections I'm dealing with, but without fueling my need for motivation as well as my desire for change, that shovel I'm holding in my ever deepening pit will just get deeper and deeper.  By remembering the bad stuff doesn't last, hopefully I can pull through to the good stuff.  But by remembering that the motivation doesn't last either, maybe I can train myself to take a dose of motivation to help me grow stronger.  Because clearly, medication isn't enough to get me through recovery...  I need something stronger and longer lasting that will form a long-term healthy me and not one that has to run from illness non-stop.  Ah, a me that isn't recovering from or coming down with something...  What a beautiful thought.

Also, Prednisone, seriously, I hate you so much.

At least I went for a walk yesterday... Bonus points because it was raining.