Before I had kids, I never really thought about what imprint I would leave on this world. I lived each day, went to bed, then woke up and did it all again. Now that I have kids, all I think about is what the world would be like, what my children would remember of me, if I were not around.
I've come to a pretty depressing conclusion... I'm not living my life to the fullest. The legacy I'm living right now, I just feel like it isn't what it could be.
Why? Because I stopped dreaming. I started being a grown-up.
Truth be told, my 12 year old self would not like me that much. I grew up, and I swore I'd never, ever would. I abandoned my life of imagination and silliness and exchanged it for adult things. Worrying about paying bills. Setting deadlines and then frantically scrambling to meet them. Giving up me time where I did things just for fun because I somehow thought I couldn't afford to not be a super serious grown woman all the time.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy... I'm happily married to the man of my dreams, I have three gorgeous kids, we are lucky enough to not be wanting for anything, and while we aren't rich, we're not struggling. We are lucky people with a lot to be grateful for, and I'm so thankful for those things, people, feelings, and everything else. I wouldn't trade my life, or the people in it, for the world.
It's just that my 12 year old self would be pretty embarrassed that instead of seeing that wicked awesome block castle my son built out of three sets of blocks, I say "Oh that's awesome!" behind a gritted tooth-smile, while secretly dreading he'll scratch the floor.
The crazy thing is that I only really left Neverland for the real world about 6 years ago. I'm not even going to lie, I was still in my mid-to-late 20's and behaving like a big child. Ask my husband about the time at Hollywood Studios where I ran through the parking lot with no shoes on, during a thunderstorm, and did these amazing flying leaps into huge puddles... Just because. Yeah, everybody thought I wasdrunk crazy, but I was just having a good time. How about the amazing concerts I gave from my second floor balcony a la "Evita" to my legions of invisible fans while vacuuming the carpet? That's a fun way to both clean and exercise my invisible star status. And I may or may not have dressed bought a formal dress that reminded me of Satine's dress from "Moulin Rouge" and went with a group of similarly overdressed girlfriends to places like Wal*Mart and McDonalds... Just because.
Now, I'm sad to say the part of my brain that tells me to do such things has gone depressingly dormant. And it's sad, really, because I never wanted to be that person or that parent. I've always wanted to be the type of person who inspired others, who was fun, who made the people around me happy. Who was spontaneous, a little crazy, who left people feeling better than they did before they met me.
I want to get that version of me back. I really liked that me.
I'm brainstorming some great ways to kind of get back to that spontaneous me, something that I think will help me make some positive changes, teach some positive behaviors to my kids, and help me build a legacy for my family that will make them, and me, really proud. Life is too short to not live that crazy life you want to live, so if you don't do it today when will you do it?
The world is filled with thunderstorms and puddles and I'm ready to take my shoes off and splash.
Why? Because I stopped dreaming. I started being a grown-up.
Truth be told, my 12 year old self would not like me that much. I grew up, and I swore I'd never, ever would. I abandoned my life of imagination and silliness and exchanged it for adult things. Worrying about paying bills. Setting deadlines and then frantically scrambling to meet them. Giving up me time where I did things just for fun because I somehow thought I couldn't afford to not be a super serious grown woman all the time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy... I'm happily married to the man of my dreams, I have three gorgeous kids, we are lucky enough to not be wanting for anything, and while we aren't rich, we're not struggling. We are lucky people with a lot to be grateful for, and I'm so thankful for those things, people, feelings, and everything else. I wouldn't trade my life, or the people in it, for the world.
It's just that my 12 year old self would be pretty embarrassed that instead of seeing that wicked awesome block castle my son built out of three sets of blocks, I say "Oh that's awesome!" behind a gritted tooth-smile, while secretly dreading he'll scratch the floor.
The crazy thing is that I only really left Neverland for the real world about 6 years ago. I'm not even going to lie, I was still in my mid-to-late 20's and behaving like a big child. Ask my husband about the time at Hollywood Studios where I ran through the parking lot with no shoes on, during a thunderstorm, and did these amazing flying leaps into huge puddles... Just because. Yeah, everybody thought I was
Now, I'm sad to say the part of my brain that tells me to do such things has gone depressingly dormant. And it's sad, really, because I never wanted to be that person or that parent. I've always wanted to be the type of person who inspired others, who was fun, who made the people around me happy. Who was spontaneous, a little crazy, who left people feeling better than they did before they met me. I want to get that version of me back. I really liked that me.
I'm brainstorming some great ways to kind of get back to that spontaneous me, something that I think will help me make some positive changes, teach some positive behaviors to my kids, and help me build a legacy for my family that will make them, and me, really proud. Life is too short to not live that crazy life you want to live, so if you don't do it today when will you do it?
The world is filled with thunderstorms and puddles and I'm ready to take my shoes off and splash.
0 comments:
Post a Comment